Can We Please Stop the Mommy Wars?

I feel like I am on a roll this week — if you missed my last post on living in the moment you can check it out here. I don’t know if this is some kind of weird stages of grief I am going through for a baby I didn’t know (but realize that it could have been my own).  I am so fed up with mean judge-y bully moms who are constantly fighting mommy wars. It is a side of motherhood that I absolutely hate and don’t understand. Don’t worry, I will have more of my normal stuff next week including a post on how to get a passport for your baby and a giveaway from Nuby. But this week has been tough and I am just over it.

By now you have probably heard about Sloan DeRosier. Sloan was seven months old when he tragically passed away after his head was stuck in a blanket after he pulled it through the rails of his crib. A woman’s baby died this week. Died. I can’t even image what this poor mama’s heart is going through. It hurts my heart and I didn’t even know him.

The day after the tragic and horrible incident this mom was forced to “tell the truth” about what happened after rude judge-y moms thought it was appropriate to politicize it and make horrible and insensitive comments speculating why baby Sloan passed. If anyone had anything but love and/or prayers to say to this mom shame on them. No mom should ever have to go through the loss of a child but then to have to deal with other moms judging them is totally unacceptable.

Vaccines. That is what the judge-y moms blamed the death on. Publicly, on her Instagram account. There was no indication whether this baby was vaccinated or not. But it doesn’t actually matter. I vaccinate my son. I believe it is what is best for him and others around him; however, I would never attack another mother who I did not know or know the full circumstances for why she chooses not vaccinate — and I most certainly would not say anything to a mom who just lost a child even if it was the cause.

Unfortunately, these mommy wars don’t end with vaccines. There is a myriad of other topics that bring out the worst judge-y moms.

  • Bottle feeding vs. breastfeeding.
  • Sleep training vs. co-sleeping
  • Scheduled baby vs. attachment parenting
  • Vaginal delivery vs. C-section (why this is a thing I really don’t understand most women don’t actually have a choice here!)
  • Screen time

Just to new a few — I have encountered all of these and it blows my mind. As moms I assume that we are all doing what we believe is best for our children and you know what? Regardless of whether you breast or bottle feed (or both because that’s an option too) your child will grow up just fine. We all parent differently for many different reasons and that should be ok.

All I have to say to these judge-y moms is take a minute and think about what you are doing the next time you want to insert your uneducated opinion on a person’s social media page. How would you feel if the situation was reversed and you, god-forbid, lost your child and had insensitive people turning your pain into some political mommy-war? Or, how will you feel when your child is the mean girl in high school because she learned from you how to treat other people. Keep your opinions to yourself. They aren’t helping anyone.

On the flip side of all of this, in this last week I have also seen how amazing mamas can be when they come together and support each other. If you were on Instagram last night you probably saw the beautiful dragonfly image that over 3,100 accounts posted at 9:00pmEDT in memory of baby Sloan. You have most likely seen the story because of the number of moms that are spreading the message about Sloan’s story. Moms are removing blankets from their babies beds (including me) because of mamas sharing Sloan’s story. The small shop community in particular has raised a ton of money in support of the DeRosier family so that they can attempt to get back on their feet in this horrible time. We should all be those mamas. Ones that come together and support and love each other because at the end of the day we all want the same thing — happy and healthy kids and we can do a lot more when we come together than when we tear each other apart.

This post is dedicated to Sloan Valor DeRosier who I believe in his way too short life has made more of a difference than many of us will make in our whole lives.

To help support Sloan’s family, check out these fundraisers or donate directly to this YouCaring page.

Loved by Noon (mom and baby tees)
River Babe Threads
BuzzShack
Little Hooligans Co (mom and baby tees)
Spill the Beans
Peyton and Forge
Cuddle Sleep Dream (mom and baby tees)
Hudson Lillian Design (mom tee)
Eighth of August (mom and baby tees)
Southern Belle Design
The Pine Torch
Logan M Styles beanies and headbands
Wooden Matching Game
Tumbler (cup)

 

I am so fed up with mean judge-y bully moms who are constantly fighting mommy wars. It is a side of motherhood that I hate. We can accomplish so much more if we come together.

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About Melissa

Hi, I’m Melissa! I am a mama to my baby Aiden Milo (born November 2015), and a police wife to my husband Dan. I started this blog because, after having Aiden, I quickly learned that exhaustion and baby brain causes you to forget some of the er-lovely (sometimes horrible and sometimes wonderful) details related to the first several months of raising a baby. Considering we may have more kids in the future, I want to document everything we do, so we remember what worked the first time around, and hopefully help other first time mamas along the way!
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  • Amanda J. Kolar Blouch

    I did not read the story, only because the picture of the poor momma broke my heart. I can see just from the picture how tortured she was feeling. But, now I will go read it, to support this poor momma and her poor baby. My heart hurts for her. Thanks for sharing. I’m baffled that in this sad time, people still find ways to hurt & ruin.

    • Melissa

      Oh my goodness that picture!!! How anyone can look at that and not feel Jordan’s pain is beyond me. I know she appreciates all the support <3

  • Connie at Lessons and Learning

    I had no idea there was so much to judge moms about until I became a mom. It amazes me! Thank you for sharing Sloan’s story and honoring his memory!

    • Melissa

      Me either! As Jordan said above moms are known as nurturing and that is what I thought until I saw how awful some people can be towards other moms! It is so sad.

  • Amanda

    Thank you so much for posting this! The news of baby Sloan absolutely broke my heart, and I grieve for the family. Being a mom is hard, and I mean really hard! It hurts my heart to know that instead of supporting one another, and lifting each other up on this journey, there are a few that rush to judge and bully.

    • Melissa

      Yes! I agree. Motherhood is so hard and we are doing the best we can. Thank you!

  • House of Psych

    I’ve learned…The best way to not let these things bother you is to stay away from the social media groups. I’m always interested in learning and reading about current events but I don’t dare read comments anymore. People are awful! You can only control yourself.

    • Yes! I avoid the comments. You always find mean people there.

  • I couldn’t believe that people were being so mean about this. Sadly this is not the only case of moms being mean to other moms. Some one’s baby died and it was an accident… have a heart people. Thank you for speaking out.

    • Melissa

      Hi Katie, I know. I have seen so many horrible examples of this, but I just couldn’t get past this particular situation. It makes me sick.

  • Jessica Devlin

    i’ve had to leave the boards. it was more detrimental than helpful in the end.

  • Nazrin Miah

    It must be a horrible feeling wanting the support from a community you feel so very much part of to being booted out and being made an outcast of. People can be so cruel! I suppose we have to nurse our own wounds.

    http://www.nmdiaries.com

    • Melissa

      I agree!

  • Lisa Laker

    The women who are constantly judging are the women who aren’t happy with their own lives. It’s sick that they get a rise out of making other people feel horrible.

    • Melissa

      I feel the same way. I feel sad for those people.

  • Hahaha, I think it’s just human nature to compare oneself with another and try to do the best thing for your child. But I agree, these mommy wars are not necessary. Accept it. Either way is fine. There is no ONE RIGHT way.

    • Melissa

      So true! There is no reason to be mean to another mom.

  • Bobbi

    You are so right. I understand when you really really believe in something and want to express that to other people however there is a line, and there are manners and need to remember that. Instead though, they tend to go into attack mode loosing the validity (if there was any) to their point

    • Melissa

      Absolutely! Everyone is entitled to their opinion and beliefs but that doesn’t mean everyone has to believe what you believe and to be so mean and cruel is just unacceptable! You certainly won’t change someone’s opinion by attacking either as you said!

  • I hope this post goes viral. Moms are known for being nurturing and kind with children, but man can we be vicious with each other.

    • Melissa

      Thank you so much Jordan. It’s true — there is such an ugly side to motherhood that I wish didn’t exist!

  • Thank you. The mommy wars need to stop. My heart hurts so much for that family.

    • Melissa

      Mine does too, Danielle. It’s so sad and the mom-shaming is making it so much worse.

  • I hate mommy wars. Whatever is best for the baby is best. And every baby is different.

    • Melissa

      Agree Tayler. Thank you!

  • I feel like I’m surrounded by judgy-moms where I live! Thanks for this post.

    • Melissa

      I am sorry to hear that Nancy. It’s true even moms we know in real life can be just as bad!

  • Elizabeth Brico

    Wow. That is really sad. I haven’t heard this story before now. I guess I’m too caught up in my own momlife, but I don’t see how people can be so cruel. It doesn’t even make sense. What exactly do vaccines have to do with this story, and what was the accusation? You’re right though-even if vaccines had something to do with it, you can bet that mother would have “learned her lesson” already. Losing a child is the most tragic thing that can befall a parent. Judgement is the last thing anyone needs in that situation.

    • Melissa

      I agree. It’s awful and I don’t understand it either.

  • Such a sad story. I’m fortunate to have a “real life ” group of mom friends who are wonderful and supportive, but I’m always shocked by the comments I see people leaving on social media.

    • Melissa

      It’s awful! I am glad you have such a great support system!